*I’ve decided to add some edits to this post. I’ve realized now that I was in a pretty bad funk during the time I originally wrote this and the full message I wanted to convey got lost in my thoughts.
I have never been afraid of darkness. (Okay that’s a lie) I never even shunned Satan, the point here is that I don’t close my eyes to “evil”. I always try to understand why things are so “scary”. Death is often seen as a dark subject. But let me tell you that in death there is so much knowledge, love and understanding when things come to an end.
“In the darkness we understand that which from the light we see.”
I remember first learning about the concept of death. 7 year old me sitting in my friends house crying because I didn’t want my family to die. Because I did not want to die. I had assumed everyone got to live until 100 and then ‘plop’.
When I was 14 my sister was murdered. Thrust out of this physical plane by force. I remember sitting at the edge of a street corner (which actually felt more like the edge of a cliff) with my cousins. In shock. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t even cry. For the next 8 years I would not cry about it once. I did not understand.
In that moment I’d chosen to view death as a vacation. I’d imagine she went on a trip somewhere never to return but felt that she was out there still and that’d we see each other again.
I loved her.
My sister Sharon was beautiful. I can’t see her face in my mind anymore because there are no remaining pictures of her anywhere. She was a black sheep, she wore heavy eyeliner, had long black hair, stood out like a sore thumb, she was the hot topic poster child. I admired her style, I admired her completely. Her taste in music would give rise to my own outcast style later down the road.
My favorite memory is a simple moment in time. My siblings and I gathered in the living room playing super mario bros. We would play every night. I don’t remember the things we talked about but I remember all the laughs and smiles. All the silly fights too.
Fast forward 8 years. I’m laying in a bed in Tokyo. Alone. Lights are off, it’s 3AM and I’m staring at the ceiling.
I felt tears speed down my face… tracing the hills of my cheeks, dripping onto the floor beneath my head.
In the instance before I’d thought:
“wow, she would have loved all of this…”
It was in this moment that I’d finally accepted that she was gone forever. I had lived in denial for years only to protect myself. I always assumed I would go mad if I didn’t have her around. Instead I had years of isolation and depression consume me. I have the most wonderful of friends and yet I always felt that no one truly understood the pain I was hiding. I thought I had no one to help me sort through the emotions. It was all me. That was a lie.
It was this realization that lead me to understand that we should:
live life not as if we are going to die tomorrow, but as if we are going to live forever.
Now that doesn’t mean sleep in all day, avoid your responsibilities and take 30 minutes to finish a cup of coffee. Life is something you work at every single day. It is not about comfort, it is about learning to value the hard work you and others have put into the day so you could even have that cup of coffee to begin with.
There is a lust in the eyes of today. Everyone wants to do everything NOW, everyone wants to have everything TODAY and yet it seems as if no one really appreciates what they have. Everyone is in such a hurry to do do do that no one understands what they’ve gathered is already enough.
I have always said that there is a difference between the words rich and wealthy. To be rich is to be satisfied with what you have and to be wealthy is to have a lot.
Let me tell you that I am rich. I miss my sister, nothing could ever dissuade me from having another priceless minute with her. But the fading memories I have of her are invaluable, and even when I’m old and senile. I won’t forget how she made me feel and that for me is enough.
We should strive to enjoy the detours, the obstacles and the small details in life.I promise you that it is true that all of those things will always add up and overshadow any monoliths of desire we pursue.
You and I. We will lose everything in this life. It is the reality of things. But let the things I have said expand your thinking and come to an understanding that everything you have in this moment is twice, three times, a thousand times more beautiful, valuable and important. It always has been you were just blinded by something you thought you needed.
Energy never disappears, it transforms. The energy inside of you will always exist in this universe whether your physical body is here or not “you”will always be here.
So no rush.